Things you do not say to single people

Happy Single Awareness Day! (Yes I know this is two days late but I don’t care) Two days ago was Valentine’s Day or also known as the very over hyped, over commercialized, over stigmatized holiday ever, which I don’t even think deserves to be a day of recognition. But nonetheless todays post is of: Things you do not say to single people. If there is one day out of the year I get told more things that piss me off, it happens to be on Valentine’s Day. So let’s explore the things you don’t say to single people, so you can avoid getting punched in the face.

1.       “Oh honey, but you’re just so great at being single” Oh well how thoughtful of you. In other words you’re telling me I’m not good at being in a relationship with someone.

2.       “Oh honey, don’t you think you’re being a little bit too…”  In this type of situation what you need to do is turn the situation them. Tell them that they’re actually being the judgmental/picky one, because they are telling you that you should be less picky, when in fact they are the ones who are judging you. Quite frankly I hate it when people tell me I’m being too picky because, number one, I know what I want in a relationship and number two I don’t think that I’m being “too” anything.

3.       “Oh cupcake, my best friend who is 74 years old just fell in love for the very first time” So what you’re saying to me is I’m probably never going to find love until I’m about 75 years of age when I am wrinkled quite literally everywhere. Thanks for telling me I’ll find love when I look like a giant walking prune and so does everybody else. No thank you I’m not going to find my true love in a nursing home.

4.       “Oh honey, you should realize that not all relationships are a walk in the park you know” Then the husband or wife usually continues to tell about their significant other or partner is stubborn, or can be a real ass a times. And somehow I’m supposed to feel sorry that you have to go on vacations with said significant other. Please don’t try to under sell me the goal I want to achieve.

5.       “Oh honey, how are you still single? You’re so attractive?” In other words because you think I’m attractive therefore I should be in a relationship with someone. That is not only terrible logic but it is completely superficial to date someone or be in a relationship with someone purely based solely on looks. Or also the person saying “oh honey…” could be being entirely sarcastic in which case…that isn’t very nice.

6.       “Oh honey, how’s the love life going?” I’m sure we’ve all heard that one before, and the real problem with asking that is it makes us feel more alone, or more single, and it makes us realize how alone we really are. If you are like me and someone has asked this question your response may be something like this: “My love life? Oh it’s non-existent”

7.       “Oh honey, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be with you two” Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I always wanted to meet someone who knows the plans of the universe. So tell me what is meant to be?

8.       “Oh honey, why are you still single?” Why am I still single? Hmm probably because I don’t shower and I hate puppies. (sarcasm)

9.       “Oh honey, it’ll happen when you least expect it” How exactly can I expect less than never?

10.   “Oh cupcakes, you’re always going to be single unless you fix yourself up” So what you’re trying to say is that I have to be someone other than me. Not happening

11.   “Oh honey, you’re going to be complete one day” So I’m currently incomplete right now? Thank you for that.

12.    “I know you’ve been single for a very long time, but I have to ask the question, are you gay?” You know if I said I was would that get you off my back?

13.   “It must feel nice to be single” You know what? It probably feels so nice to be stupid.

And these are the things you do not say to single people on Valentine’s Day for the obvious reason it will piss us off.