Fears

I read a quote last night that was incredibly meaningful to me. After reading it I started to think more and more about what this quote means to me, what it may mean to many others. This is the quote by Sigmund Freud: “Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worse, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.”

When I read that quote I couldn’t help but think how true it is, most of all how accurate it is in today’s society. People being attracted to others, dating and relationships. People trying to express their feelings, if they like you or you like them. And I think that one of the biggest problems in today’s society is that nobody says how they feel. We’re taught in society to hold it all inside, that expressing how we feel is bad. They’re sad, or you’re sad but we don’t cry. We’re happy but we don’t sing or we don’t dance. We’re angry but we don’t scream. Because if we do, if we do any of those things, we feel ashamed. I think that it is one of the very worst feelings in the world, to hold everything in, but even I do it. So pretty much everybody walks around with their heads down, and nobody sees how beautiful the sky really is.

Seriously we all fear different things, but when you get down to it, we all fear the same things. For example, I am afraid of being rejected by my mother, father, family, and friends. I’m really, truly afraid of losing my family, because I had what some would call a “hard” birth. My mother had pre-eclampsia, a medical condition characterized by high blood pressure related to birth, and as a consequence, I was born two pounds seven ounces. I was a premature baby, and I’m constantly reminded that I could have died, so that means I should be happy being who I am: a girl. To me that seems like terrible logic. So what if I want to be a boy, in what way does that detrimentally affect my parents in any way at all?

Also I am afraid of losing my family in Scotland. I don’t really know them. Most of them are Catholics, and I just wonder if that could skew their opinion of me. I mean they seemed to accept gay and lesbian people, but I don’t know how they would accept a female to male transgender. It scares me that they may not want anything to do with me just because of who I am.

I am afraid of regretting my transition, when I’m older. More specifically I am afraid that when I look in the mirror, I won’t be able to recognize myself. Not just physically but emotionally too. I’m afraid of waking up, taking a shower, and looking in the mirror and going “who the hell are you?”

I am really afraid of always being different. Like being in a room full of people and just knowing that I’m the different one and that I will always be the different one in that room. I guess I’m afraid of being everybody else’s entertainment, something to look at, because in my mind I am incapable of truly being myself.

Alright, well that was my rant for the day. I hope you all have a lovely day. And if you feel so inclined let me know what you are afraid of. Oh and on the non-emotional side, I am really afraid of spiders. Ugh even thinking about them creeps me out.